Talking Finances Without Drama: How to Have Calm Money Conversations with Your Ex
Few things can spark tension faster than talking finances, especially when it involves your ex. Conversations about child support, expenses, or financial responsibilities can quickly turn into emotional minefields. But with the right mindset and communication strategies, those discussions can shift from defensive to productive.
I’ve helped many parents navigate these talks, and one thing is always clear: when emotions are high, logic is low. The goal isn’t to win the conversation, it’s to find a solution that supports your children and protects your peace.
1. Separate Emotion from the Equation
Before you start the conversation, take a moment to check in with yourself. What are you feeling? Anger, anxiety, fear? If those emotions are running the show, they’ll come through in your tone and word choice. Give yourself time to cool off before discussing money, especially if it’s a sensitive topic.
It’s okay to take a pause. In fact, it’s healthy. Calm conversations lead to clear solutions.
2. Stay on Topic (and Keep It Practical)
It’s easy for old issues to creep in, “You never paid for that last time” or “I always have to remind you.” Try to stay focused on the current issue: what needs to be paid, who’s handling it, and when it will be paid.
If you’re discussing expenses, stick to facts:
“The school trip costs $120. Would you like to pay half now, or would you prefer I cover it and we settle up on Friday?”
Neutral, clear, and forward-looking language keeps the discussion productive.
3. Use Tools, Not Text Wars
Parenting and communication apps (like OurFamilyWizard, TalkingParents, or Cozi) can create structure and reduce emotional back-and-forth. These platforms allow you to log expenses, share receipts, and keep records without the tension of constant texting.
The structure itself helps take the emotion out of the process, it becomes about information, not interpretation.
4. Practice “Business Tone” Communication
I often tell clients to imagine they’re writing to a colleague, not an ex. Keep messages short, polite, and factual. No sarcasm, no digs, no emotion-heavy words.
For example:
❌ “You’re always late paying child support — unbelievable.”
✅ “Just checking on the payment due Friday. Please confirm once it’s sent so I can update the budget.”
5. Address Parameters Specifically
Work to come up with a fair and reasonable protocol for expenses you know you will incur.
The goal isn’t to prove who’s right or wrong, it’s to make sure your children’s needs are met and both parents can move forward peacefully. When you stay anchored in that purpose, it’s easier to let go of old battles and focus on solutions.
Money conversations after divorce don’t have to be hostile. With self-awareness, emotional regulation, and structured communication, they can become opportunities for stability and even mutual respect.
If talking finances with your ex are leaving you drained or stuck, divorce coaching can help you build calm, confident communication strategies that protect your peace and your pocketbook.
Martin Kendall, DCA® Certified ADR Divorce Coach
